"He’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in 2008, I was elected President, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of me. Like, if I would blow him off to pass Obamacare, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-Democrats pool party, I was like, “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party. There were gonna be politicians there supporting tax breaks for lower income families. I mean, right? He was a REPUBLICAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of Congress because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for the debate, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s trying to roll down airplane windows."